she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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