you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
operation harelip BJ is a go
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
