was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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