i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
