my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
