their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
