i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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