I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
