Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
