so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
