OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
