He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
