she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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