The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
