I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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