Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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