why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
