yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
