My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
It's just like the Real World with babies
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
