bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
