I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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