My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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