yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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