i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
