Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
FUCK WHALES
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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