Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
