You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You need Xanax blowdarts
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
