his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You are a genius and a whore.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize