It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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