my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
