i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
