That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize