I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
