Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
