You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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