i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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