I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize