DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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