i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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