Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize