need another drink. this is the easiest way
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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