tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
