I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
