dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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