Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
