3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize