Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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