I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
