I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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