The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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