I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
