Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
