I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
