this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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