Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
