I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize