I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
