someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
