Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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