That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
