So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You were trust falling into bushes
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize