If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
