new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
