Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
how does that bad decision feel?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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