I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize